Why You Should NEVER Take Zell Places
by Miya-Kome
Summary: Did you ever want to take Zell to the movies or to see fireworks? After reading this you won't!
1. To the Movies

I do not own Final Fantasy or any of its characters. If you sue me, that will be a very mean and a not nice thing to do.  
  
Rated PG-13 for language and suggestive themes.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Irvine: ...I'm bored...  
  
Rinoa: Let's go see a movie.  
  
Squall: Yeah!  
  
Seifer: I wanna see "Big John, Dick, and Willie's Reunioun"!  
  
Quistis: ...That title sounds wrong in so many ways.  
  
Selphie: Hey... Isn't that movie playing in the gay men theater?  
  
Seifer: (sweat) Um... No...  
  
Everyone: ...  
  
Zell: I wanna see "The Cute Puppy's Return"!  
  
Irvine: That movie's for babies.  
  
Zell: sniff Irvine... HOW COULD YOU BE SO HURTFULL! I AM NOT A BABY!  
  
(pause)  
  
Zell: Now if you'll excuse me, I do believe I've soiled myself and need to go change my diaper.  
  
(silence)  
  
Zell: Do any of you have the Pull-Up Training Pants?  
  
(silence)  
  
Zell: Fine. I'll go ask Cid if he has any! (runs away)  
  
Squall: ...We still gotta decide on a movie to go see.  
  
Quistis: How about "A Christmas Story"?  
  
Selphie: Yeah! I love that movie!  
  
Rinoa: But it's so old! It's still playing?  
  
Irvine: It's not STILL playing. They've just decided to play it for a few months.  
  
Seifer: Ok. When Chicken-Wuss comes back, we'll go.  
  
(Zell comes skipping back)  
  
Zell: I'm a big kid now! Guys! You'll never guess what happened! I went all by myself in the big-boy potty! Aren't you proud of me?  
  
All: (speechless)  
  
Seifer: ...Get ready Zell. We're gonna go see "A Christmas Story".  
  
Zell: Yay! I love Christmas! Wait... Is there cursing? Because my mommy says she doesn't want me around anybody or anything that curses because she thinks that - (stubs toe) OW! GOD DAMN IT! MY FUCKIN TOE!  
  
All: (speechless)  
  
Zell: ...Ok, let's go...  
  
~Movies~  
  
Zell: I wanna see that! No! I wanna see that! Hey! Hey! Hey! Doesn't that look funny? Ahahahahahaha! That guy's wearing a shirt with a moose on it! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MOOSE! (laughs hystericly)  
  
Squall: God, why did we have to bring him?  
  
Seifer: We could always duct-tape him to the fence outside.  
  
Squall: No, let's save that for Richard Simmons...  
  
~In the theater~  
  
Zell: Let's sit here! No, wait, let's sit here! Ew... Quistis! I have something stuck on the bottom of my shoe! Oh, wait a minute, it's gum!  
  
(Takes the gum off his shoe and starts chewing it loudly.)  
  
~Previews~  
  
Zell: That movie looks stupid! Look at what that guy's wearing for that movie! (starts yelling at the screen) HEY! GET A HAIRCUT!  
  
Woman: That's my husband!  
  
Zell: Tell him to get a haircut!  
  
All: SHUT UP ZELL!  
  
Zell: *tch* Fine...  
  
~10 seconds later~  
  
Zell: Hey Squall?  
  
Squall: What?  
  
Zell: I soiled myself again.  
  
Squall: So?  
  
Zell: I need you to change my diaper.  
  
Squall: But... Hey, didn't you just go a little while ago?  
  
Zell: I know...  
  
Squall: Can't you do it by yourself?  
  
Zell: I need someone to do it for me!  
  
Squall: ...  
  
Zell: Squall?  
  
Squall: ...  
  
Zell: Squall?  
  
Squall: ...  
  
Zell: SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL! SQUALL!  
  
Squall: ALL RIGHT! SHUT UP!  
  
(Squall realizes that everyone in the theater is staring at him.)  
  
Squall: Heh... (mutters) Let's go Zell...  
  
~Bathroom~  
  
(Zell gets on the thing where you change your baby's diapers.)  
  
Zell: CHANGE ME, BABY!  
  
Squall: ...Ok...  
  
(Starts pulling down his pants, but stops when a guy comes out of a stall.)  
  
Guy: ...  
  
Squall: Um... He's mentally ill.  
  
Guy: Oh, Ok. I thought he looked kinda stupid.  
  
Squall: (nervous laugh) Yup! That's Zell for ya! Dumb as a pile of bricks! Heh heh heh...  
  
(As the guy walks out of the bathroom, Squall lets out a relieved sigh, and finishes pulling down Zell's pants.)  
  
Zell: Hey! I am not mentally ill!  
  
Squall: Yeah, well this doesn't look right...  
  
(Squall takes off his diaper.)  
  
Squall: HOLY SHIT!  
  
Zell: I pooped myself!  
  
Squall: Dammit...  
  
~Back in the theater~  
  
Zell: La la la la! (sits down and pulls more gum off his shoe and eats it)  
  
Rinoa: ...Squall?  
  
Squall: Yeah?  
  
Rinoa: You smell like sh -  
  
Squall: Yeah... I know...  
  
~30 minutes into the movie~  
  
Zell: Hey Irvine! Ya know that kid, Ralphy?  
  
Irvine: (harsh whisper) Shut up! Everyone in the whole freakin' theater can hear you!  
  
Zell: (paying no attention to Irvine's last remark) He wair the STUPIDEST clothes! I mean, come on!  
  
Irvine: That was a long time ago! People wore different stuff back then! Now would you please shut up?!  
  
Zell: (ignores Irvine) Yeah, but still! Who wears glasses THAT freakin' big? It's so dorky!  
  
(A kid in front of Zell turns around.)  
  
Kid: Hey! That's not funny!  
  
Zell: What the? WHOA! You look just like that kid from the movie! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOU LOOK LIKE SUCH A DORK! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Kid: sniff sniff That's not funny, you big meany! (slaps Zell)  
  
Zell: HEY! DON'T TOUCH ME! (knocks the kid out)  
  
(All of a sudden, two ushers come and drag Zell out of the movies.)  
  
Selphie: It's about time...  
  
~10 minutes later~  
  
(Zell comes running back)  
  
Zell: Hey guys!  
  
Rinoa: Zell! I thought you got kicked out!  
  
Zell: Yeah, I did but - (ducks as an usher walks by) But I sneaked back in!  
  
Rinoa: (sarcastic) Gee, how wonderfull...  
  
Zell: (pops back up) Yeah! I know!  
  
Usher: THERE HE IS! GET HIM!  
  
(a mob of ushers chase Zell out of the theaters)  
  
~2 minutes later~  
  
(Zell comes back into the theater, and the kid he knocked out wakes back up to see him coming back in.)  
  
Kid: AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S YOU!  
  
Zell: Shut up, kid.  
  
Kid: AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Zell: I SAID SHUT UP!  
  
Kid: AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Zell: GRRRRRRR! (knocks out the kid again)  
  
Usher: THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY FROM ME, HUH?!  
  
Zell: SHIT!  
  
(An even bigger mob of ushers chases Zell out of the theater.)  
  
~10 minutes later~  
  
(A very beaten and battered Zell limps back into the theater)  
  
Selphie: Let me guess... You snuck back in, right?  
  
Zell: You... huffpuff You know it baby...! It kinda... hurts to talk right now though... And to move my mouth... huff  
  
Selphie: ...There's some gum on the bottom of your shoe.  
  
Zell: All... right!  
  
(Zell takes the gum off of his shoe and puts it in his mouth, moaning with each chew.)  
  
Selphie: (to herself) ...heh... That'll shut him up for a while...  
  
~5 minutes later~  
  
Zell: psst psst Quistis. Did that guy have an affair with the farmer, or is he the serial killer?  
  
Quistis: (harsh whisper) NIETHER! NOW SHUT UP AND WATCH THE MOVIE!  
  
Zell: ...  
  
(Zell gets an expression as if he remembered something.)  
  
Zell: (very loudly) OH! I'VE SEEN THIS MOVIE! This is the movie where that kid with the glasses gets the BB-gun and shoots his eye out!  
  
All: GRRRRRRRRRR!  
  
Seifer: ...Now?  
  
Squall: Yes.  
  
(The ushers come in to take Zell away, but Squall informs him that he'll take care of it. Squall and Seifer knock out Zell and drag him outside...)  
  
~The next day~  
  
(Zell wakes up to find him duct-taped to the fence outside of the movie theater...)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
You STILL wanna take Zell to the movies? 


	2. To See Fireworks

Why You Should NEVER Take Zell to the 4th of July Fireworks  
  
Squall: Hey, are we going to see the fireworks tonight?  
  
Rinoa: Yeah, in a few minutes. We're going to the Quad, right?  
  
Selphie: Yup! I have it set up special just for tonight!  
  
Seifer: (sarcastic) Gee, how exciting.  
  
Selphie: I know! I bet you can hardly wait!!!  
  
Seifer: Oh, I can barely contain myself.  
  
Zell: Neither can I! (fart)  
  
All: ...  
  
Zell: ...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I SOILED MYSELF AGAIN! (in dramatic pose) I promised myself that I would never do that again, but... But now... THIS happened! I AM SUCH A FAILURE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (runs off to Cid's office)  
  
Irvine: ...Ahem! Shouldn't we start to get ready?  
  
Quistis: Sure, why not. When Zell gets back we'll head out.  
  
Squall: Eh... I don't think he'll come back for a while.  
  
Seifer: Curse that damn chickenwuss... Oh well, let's just go to Cid's and tell him we're leaving.  
  
~Cid's Office~  
  
(They arrive to see Cid sitting on a chair with Zell kneeling down next to him, his head in Cid's lap.)  
  
Zell: It was terrible... I was having a good time, everything going normaly, and them bam! The squishy feeling I know oh too well hit me again. That's when I knew that I... I... (starts sobbing)  
  
Cid: Oh Zell, baby, please stop crying now. You know I hate to see you upset.  
  
Seifer: ...Get your ass out here Zell. We're leaving.  
  
Zell: No... I can't... I've voilated my promise to myself... I'LL NEVER GO OUTSIDE AGAIN! (starts wailing)  
  
Seifer: ...We've got candy.  
  
Zell: Yay! Candy! (jumps up and skips out the door with the others)  
  
Cid: ...Great. NOW what am I gonna do tonight?  
  
~Quad~  
  
Zell: Let's sit here! No, wait! Let's sit here! Hey! This grass is wet and disgusting! Ewewewewewewewewewewew! I touched it! I know! Let's sit there! Hey! There's a guy where I wanna sit! He's wearing sunglasses! Hey mister!  
  
Guy: What is it?  
  
Zell: Why are you wearing sunglasses at night? Are you stupid or something?  
  
Guy: I'm blind.  
  
Zell: If you're blind, how could you watch the fireworks?  
  
Guy: Hmmmmmm... I don't know. I guess I'll go to my dorm.  
  
Zell: Hey guys! I just got us a good spot to sit! (skips around the area)  
  
Irvine: I can't believe it. Zell actually HELPED us in getting something.  
  
Rinoa: I know. He doesn't even seem to mind that it's dark out.  
  
Zell: (freezes)  
  
Quistis: Dammit Rinoa! Why'd you have to open you mouth about that?!  
  
Zell: It's... It's... It's... It's...  
  
Squall: Um Zell... Please, PLEASE don't start crying. You were doing just fine until Rinoa told you that it's dark!  
  
Zell: It's... It's... It's... It's... IT'S DARK OUTSIDE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I could get lost or hurt or killed! OH MY GOD! THE BOOGEYMAN IS WATCHING ME! HOW DID HE FIND ME OUT HERE! WE SHALL ALL PERISH! WAAAAAAAAAAA! (runs in circles crying)  
  
Selphie: Zell! Relax! There's lights out here!  
  
Zell: That won't stop the boogeyman's wrath!  
  
Selphie: I also brought flashlights!  
  
Zell: (stops) Flash...lights?  
  
Selphie: Yeah. I had a feeling you'd go all mental because it's night so I brought some. Here. (gives Zell a flash light)  
  
Zell: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have a flashlight! Now NOTHING can get me! (laughs hystericaly)  
  
Squall: Shut up Zell.  
  
Zell: Are you threatening me?! Fell my wrath! (shines the flashlight in Squall's eyes)  
  
Squall: Ah! Stop it Zell! That hurts!  
  
Zell: No! The moment I stop will be the moment you attack me! I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN!  
  
Squall: Oh yeah? (closes eyes)  
  
Zell: Oh no you don't! (pries Squall's eyes open with one hand and shines the flashlight in them with the other)  
  
Squall: God! My eyes are tearing up! Get off me Zell! (takes a swing at Zell and knocks him off)  
  
Zell: Sure, ruin all my fun...  
  
Squall: What the...? AGH! DAMMIT! I'M BLIND!  
  
Zell: It wasn't my fault.  
  
Squall: ZELL!  
  
Zell: What?  
  
Squall: I AM GOING TO-  
  
Rinoa: Oh shut up you two!  
  
Squall: But Zell made me-  
  
Rinoa: No buts! The fireworks are going to start soon.  
  
Squall: Yes ma'am...  
  
Zell: Ha! You're takin' orders from Rinoa!  
  
Squall: (kicks Zell)  
  
Zell: Ow... That was so mean! (starts crying)  
  
Seifer: Shut up Zell! Here! (gives Zell a lolipop)  
  
Zell: Yay! Candy!  
  
All: (sweat)  
  
~5 minutes later~  
  
(The fireworks start)  
  
Zell: Ah! What was that?!  
  
Qustis: The fireworks.  
  
Zell: They're loud!  
  
Quistis: No duh! They're fireworks dumbass!  
  
Zell: AH! This is scary! I don't like it!  
  
(boom)  
  
Zell: AH!  
  
(boom)  
  
Zell: AAAAHHHH! They're going to get me!  
  
Irvine: Shut up and watch the fireworks Zell! They're too far away to do anything!  
  
Zell: Really?  
  
Irvine: Yeah stupid.  
  
Zell: I am not stupid... (cries)  
  
Irvine: Zell! Stop crying! ...You won't be stupid anymore if you would shut up and watch the fireworks.  
  
Zell: Really?! Ok! (watches)  
  
Irvine: God...  
  
~20 minutes later~  
  
Rinoa: The finalie should be starting soon.  
  
Zell: What's that?  
  
Quistis: It's when they shoot off a lot of fireworks all at once for a long period of time.  
  
Zell: Really? I think I should leave...  
  
Quistis: Why? Nothing's gonna happen.  
  
Zell: But you don't understand! All those flashing lights! I'm gonna...  
  
(The finalie starts)  
  
Zell: Uhhhhhhhhhhh (starts drooling)  
  
Seifer: What's your problem Zell?  
  
Zell: SEIZURES! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! (starts twitching uncontrollably foaming at the mouth)  
  
Irvine: What's wrong with Zell?!  
  
Selphie: He's going crazy!  
  
Quistis: Call the asylum!  
  
Zell: fjoiajirohgnvlsgiehlirahfh(twitch)eoahfieohfaeoriwhatn4withafnoruhtaw ahivhoir(drool)haihgirhqi;hrglrngrthgihilwhguihguoiahgawfhi4howqhti 43qoyiue4yiuewTEXASjfoirehgoirhagrelgborhto(twitch)ejhorheoahtoresa...  
  
(Two medics arrive and try to grab the twitching Zell to put him in a straight jacket)  
  
Zell: (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch) (twitch)  
  
Medic1: He's too fast! We can't get him!  
  
Medic2: Oh no! He's twitching right toward the cliff!  
  
Seifer: Snap out of it Zell!  
  
(Zell is two feet away from the edge of the cliff when he suddenly stops.)  
  
Zell: Ugh... Wa happened you guys?  
  
Selphie: Phew! You stopped!  
  
Zell: What?  
  
Irvine: You were having a seizure from the fireworks and was about to fall off the cliff. Just don't look at the fireworks again and you'll be fine.  
  
Zell: Fireworks, eh? Like those up there? (points and stares at the fireworks)  
  
All: No Zell!  
  
Zell: twi-  
  
(Zell twitches off the cliff where he hits the ring that circes Garden and goes flying and twitching off into the distance.)  
  
All: ...  
  
Selphie: ...Let's get tacos!  
  
All: Ok!  
  
(They all go off to get tacos)  
  
Zell: (in the distance) fjieajoti4taoiht4ioahtoi4q- Tacos?!  
  
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~  
  
Ok, I know that this kinda sucks, but I've been having writers block for a long time now. Hopefully you'll like it more than I did. 


End file.
